With accompanying questions, I would like answered. I’m going to save swimming for tomorrow night because their medals are multiplying like Helga Hufflepuff’s cup in Gringotts.

Eaton Jagger & Huston Nyjah

Won Silver & Bronze in Skateboard Street. But what music do they listen to while skating? I hope it’s Chappel Roan because I finally know who that is after it was explained to me 3 separate times. Now I’m all in. Just like Jagger & Nyjah are all in on kick flicks and ollies? I know so little about skateboarding and full honesty, this is not the Olympics where I’ll be learning more. But still proud of you both.

Haley Batten

Won silver in mountain bike. But was also fined $565, for “failure to respect the instructions of the race organization or commissaires.” What random celebrity will be your benefactor since Jason Kelce and Flavor Flav are already taken? I would like to suggest rapper and jet-ski enthusiast Trina.

Chloé Dygert 

Won bronze in Road Cycling Individual Time Trial. This one is a little tough because she was a gold medal favorite but the bad weather continued and she ended up getting bronze after a bad fall. She’s got more races to go though and more opportunities to win gold. So Chloé, are you going to brush your shoulders off and kick some ass in your next Olympic race?

Lee Kiefer & Lauren Scruggs

Won gold & silver in Women’s Individual Foil. I don’t think anyone predicted the gold medal match would be two Americans and a Canadian winning bronze making it a North American exclusive podium. Not trying to start a fencing civil war, but do your coaches prepare you to face your teammates and exploit their weaknesses that you probably know better than anyone? Kind of like a Hunger Games situation, you are going to work together until you have to face each other and then you just need to find a rock with eyes and you’ve got an easy win.

Nick Itkin

Won bronze in Men’s Individual Foil, his second Olympic bronze medal. Why do you aggressively bend your foil downwards between every point? Is it because many of your attacks are downwards so it theoretically will reach them faster? Or is it just an intimidation factor, like I’m going to bend you backward if you get too close? Either way, it seemed to work. Nice work Nick.

Medal Table Check-In

And for a quick medal table overview. We are currently in the odd phase early in the games where we have the most medals but not that many gold (YET), so we are deceptively low on the table. Do we only have 3 gold so far? Yes. But we also have 9 bronze medals. And C’s get Degrees.

The internet is full steam ahead for these Olympics and it feels like everyone is doing so many amazing Olympic jokes and commentary so I want to acknowledge that I am not really getting anything original out there.

But, I am so happy that I am not alone in thinking that the Google AI commercial about getting the interweb to write a fan letter was absolute garbage.

https://www.cnn.com/2024/07/29/tech/googles-ai-olympics-ad-backlash

Don’t waste one of the best athlete’s time with your garbage letters written by a computer program that only speaks in 0s and 1s. Or at least don’t make us watch it 10 times in a row during the primetime coverage on the Peacock App. It’s been that commercial and the one with Athing Mu that makes it seem like she made it to the Olympics…awkward. What do the kids call it now, chuegy? Did I use it right?

Until AI learns to write a fan letter like Mac writes one to Chase Utley I don’t want to hear it Google. Let kids write letters that are semi-incoherent, follow no logical order and are filled with stickers and glitter, just like I still do today. I think Sydney would like that more.

For helping the US win a Bronze medal…and aggressively napping

The men’s gymnasts entered the team competition after a rocky qualification round. One of the biggest headlines was Brody Malone having a very bad night by not qualifying for the all-around competition or any individual apparatus finals. So it all came down to the team competition. And to one man…Stephen Nedoroscik.

Some people are good at public speaking, some are good at solving math problems. Others are good at building things with their hands. Stephen somehow discovered that he is good at one of the weirdest men’s gymnastics apparatus, the pommel horse, and became one of the best in the world.

Do you remember unimpressed Mckayla Maroney, the amazing vaulter who made the Olympic team in 2012 just to vault? Stephen is the same for the men’s team, brought to Paris just to pommel that horse. But Mckayla and Stephen are also the complete opposite because Mckayla is remembered for bringing that fire and sass. Stephen took a different approach today brought those sleepy guy vibes and napped at every opportunity.

I’m pretty sure at one point the announcers said something like “and we found Stephen again”. I’m assuming he was napping under the bleachers like any classic sleepy athlete. Why waste energy by staying awake during one of the biggest moments of your life to date?

But jokes aside, he did exactly what he was brought to do. The US men have been struggling on the Pommel Horse for the last few Olympics and needed a ringer and Stephen did what he needed to do to help get the US men back on the team podium after 16 years!

While Mckayla might not be impressed because it’s not a gold medal, I am impressed Stephen, and I think you are now the official king of all men who have to squint when they take their glasses off.

For my 7 faithful followers and the people from China who started reading during the last Olympics, I’m currently doing in-person Olympic coverage for my nephews and will be back to multiple blogs a day Monday.

Did just watch the Women’s gymnastics live and very, very nervous.

One of my favorite things about each Olympics is who gets the first medal for the United States. And this time it is Sarah Bacon and Kassidy Cook winning silver in 3m Synchronized Diving. They are nicknamed Cook’N’Bacon and my new heroes.

I was also about to make a joke about making sure Kazakhstan doesn’t get too cocky and start coming for us also getting on the medal table so early but then I read this below and thought that’s what it’s all about.

“I’m feeling perfect. This was the first (Olympic) competition for me, and I got third place, so it’s perfect,” IslamSatpaev said when asked what it felt like to win the first medal of Paris 2024.

Full honesty, I missed some pieces of it for deep-dish pizza but my multiple Olympic sources told me I didn’t miss much. If anything I would love to see the initial live broadcast and not the primetime replay. I heard the mechanical water horse ran for much longer in the afternoon viewing and I am still trying to figure out if it was on giant water skis or a submarine.

Overall, I applaud them for trying to do something different. And I think there is something interesting there, especially in a very historic city like Paris. I really liked the journey through the city and the special moments at some of the best-known buildings and locations. And they addressed a complaint we’ve all had about previous opening ceremonies…when the F is the parade of nations going to be over. They actually tackled that challenge head-on and said we are going to weave the parade throughout the entire program so it’s not just 90 minutes straight of people walking.

But I think I just figured out why I don’t think it was a resounding success for me. Olympic opening ceremonies are usually pretty abstract with little vignettes highlighting aspects of culture and moments in history and you just roll with it. Paris used a lot of pre-recorded moments that were not abstract and went deep into specific narratives. Like the Phantom dude seeing the Mona Lisa missing and the amazing Minion short film and then the painting is just floating in the river and then we are just pretending the French suddenly don’t care about their most prized piece of art.

It’s like they started with a very elaborate storyboard of the entire opening ceremony and then slowly had to cut things out for logistic reasons and time and what was left was bleh. Like the last season of Game of Thrones. One second you are watching Kirabati on a tiny boat wondering why they got one to themselves and the next second you are watching the start of a threesome after vandalizing a library. And just like GoT, it ended with a person atop the iron throne/tower with a unique style of speaking who is overcoming a physical disability to show the world what’s possible. Who doesn’t love a surprise Celine Dion performance?

I give it a B overall for taking a huge risk and the amount of amazing memes I already saw this morning. Go Big or Go Home.

To avoid the other news of the day…SNOOP DOGG

Based on almost no facts, headlines I saw on Instagram but didn’t verify and random things that I associate with France. None of these will come true, but if they do, someone owes me a beer/hummus.

Anastasia and Dmitri finally make it back to Paris and light the cauldron

The animated masterpiece Anastasia was actually a true story and Paris was the key to both of their hearts. Anastasia’s been traveling the world with Dmitri and at 120 years of age, they are ready to settle where they defeated a terrifying demon horse and solidified their love. Their contributions to public safety in Paris will be rewarded by having the honor of lighting the Olympic Cauldron to officially open the 2024 Games.

Drones help Zinedine Zidane headbutt a football over the Eiffel Tower

In a nod to his most talked about moment, Zidane will be on the ground and headbutt a soccer ball. With the power of drones and croissant magic, the ball will grow fifty times in size and slowly go over the top of the Eiffel Tower landing on the other side to none other than…the Olsen Twins reprising their roles from Passport to Paris. I will accept half drinks if a portion of this is correct. Zidane and drones have to make an appearance.

Someone poops in the Seine

I heard Parisians opposed to the Olympics used the river as a bathroom when the mayor was taking a publicized swim to show how clean it is. There is no way someone doesn’t continue that trend during the opening ceremony to get on TV as one of the boats goes by. My official guess is when the Italy boat gets announced.

Vikings will infiltrate the nautical parade of nations

Vikings invaded Paris via the Seine in 845 and again in 885-886. They heard Paris is using the river as the parade of nations instead of a traditional stadium and they are not happy. Vikings had become peaceful citizens over time and one of their biggest sources of joy was being the volunteers at Olympic Games who stand in the stadiums and clap for 4 hours and guide the athletes. Paris poked the bear by taking away that opportunity and now the Vikings will repeat history by infiltrating tonight’s ceremony on a boat and re-invade Paris.

A US Men’s Rugby Player Falls Off the Boat

The US Men’s Rugby team has done their duty for the Stars and Stripes so they are in full party mode. They are doing a wine and cheese tour right now but skipping lunch because they want to try as many types of Brie as possible. Someone will give them a basket of baguettes to eat while they get dressed for tonight’s ceremony but it will go untouched in favor of more wine. This will lead to someone leaning over the edge a little too far and falling into the river, hopefully not near the third prediction. Good news, he’ll be fine and get rescued by the French boat that will be right behind them. A French water polo player will comfort him and they’ll fall in love.

I just found out that I’m terrible at escape rooms so fingers crossed one of these comes true and I actually have psychic powers instead.

How did USA do?

Better! In alphabetical order accompanied by a fictional character who I think would do well in the sport:

Archery

Casey Kaufhold had the best day of the four American athletes during the qualification round. She finished in 4th place setting up the US women for a 4th place ranking in team competition and a 3rd place ranking in the mixed team competition. She’ll be joined by long-time medalist Brady Ellison. I’m hoping that with their powers combined, they can get Casey’s first medal and Brady’s last Olympic medal! Go team go!

Football

The US women made their 2024 debut in dominant fashion winning 3-0 over Zambia. They are hoping to return to the gold medal match after not making it to the final in the last two games, and off to a great start.

Handball

We don’t have any handball teams so we technically didn’t lose, hooray! But I did watch Spain against Brazil and remembered how unique/silly of a sport it is. We haven’t had a team since 1996, and we only had one then because the games were in Hotlanta and got the host/pity spot. Should I start training for LA2028?

Rugby Sevens

The men’s team had a spectacular game this morning against Uruguay, 33-17, securing their spot in the quarter-finals. But lost that quarterfinal match later in the day to Australia 18-0. The sky was out, their thighs were out and we thank them for doing their best. Do they get to hang out now for the rest of the games? Those cardboard beds have their work cut out for them.

Just for fun

Did you also watch the US men in Rugby Sevens and think who is that masked man playing for Uruguay? Is his face ok? Or is it just an intimidation factor like the Phantom of the Opera and he doesn’t want anyone to know his true identity? Well, I couldn’t resist. His name is Baltazar Amaya. You’re welcome.

From some of my favorite gay comedians. I’m not saying there is going to be a lot, or any, thoughtful commentary on the Olympics from these 4 gentleman. But if you need something fun, give them a listen.

I Never Liked You

with Matteo Lane & Nick Smith

Two Guys, Five Rings

with Bowen Yang & Matt Rogers