Author: adroyer

Go Rugby Go

USA women’s Rugby won their first ever Olympic medal yesterday, defeating Australia for the bronze medal. I’ve got some hard-hitting questions following this game changing win.

Did Ilona Maher find love in the villa after getting a medal? Her social media is amazing, rizz is off the charts, no cap, as the kids say. She has made it very well known that she is looking for a man in the Olympics, 6’5, blue eyes, Olympic medal.

Did Jason Kelce buy all the drinks last night? I’m probably going to tell most of this story through Ilona’s social media. But seriously Jason, did you buy all the drinks last night?

Did Jason Kelce buy so many drinks that Ilona slept on a beanbag chair last night? Or did someone help her out of the beanbag chair so they could go for a chat and just talk about how much good banter they have instead of actually talking about anything.

But on a serious note, who is Michele Kang and why is she so awesome? She just gave US Women’s Rugby $4,000,000 out of nowhere to help them increase the popularity of women’s rugby in the US and help them prepare to do even better in LA28.

“In rugby, we say we’re just passing through the jersey and making the jersey better, and that’s always been my goal—to make this jersey better, not just for me but for the other girls that are going to come into the program. And I want them to dream… of being professional rugby players—professional athletes. That’s what I feel like I’m giving them.” – Ilona Maher

So congrats team. I’m excited to see what Ilona gets up to in the Olympic village now that she’s done competing.

Also, here is a link to the Gold Medal New Zealand team doing the Haka. Pink scrunchies were involved. They are going to be difficult to beat in 2028 but it will be fun to watch!

Women’s Team Gymnastics

Full honesty, I expected the lower leg injury to become more of a thing so I was very pleasantly surprised that it was a pretty boring competition. There didn’t seem to be any doubt they were going to win once it was clear Simone was fine. So congratulations Simon Biles, Suni Lee and Jordan Chiles and kind of Jade Carey and sort of Hezly Rivera. I just took a deep dive and it’s interesting because the Tokyo games only allowed 4 people on the team. The former head of international gymnastics did that in an attempt to even out the competition and have less specialists in the team competition. These games it went back to 5 athletes a team and we said “F You”, we’ll only use 4 athletes and still dominate the competition. Japan also did the same thing, but that’s because one of their athletes smoked a cigarette and drank alcohol under the age of 20. Let’s calm it down a bit Japan.

But any who, congratulations athletes and especially Simone. Could have been fun to give Hezly her own Stephen with the glasses moment, but I imagine the next games will be wide open for her to have a moment in the spotlight.

US Medalist Check-In

With accompanying questions, I would like answered. I’m going to save swimming for tomorrow night because their medals are multiplying like Helga Hufflepuff’s cup in Gringotts.

Eaton Jagger & Huston Nyjah

Won Silver & Bronze in Skateboard Street. But what music do they listen to while skating? I hope it’s Chappel Roan because I finally know who that is after it was explained to me 3 separate times. Now I’m all in. Just like Jagger & Nyjah are all in on kick flicks and ollies? I know so little about skateboarding and full honesty, this is not the Olympics where I’ll be learning more. But still proud of you both.

Haley Batten

Won silver in mountain bike. But was also fined $565, for “failure to respect the instructions of the race organization or commissaires.” What random celebrity will be your benefactor since Jason Kelce and Flavor Flav are already taken? I would like to suggest rapper and jet-ski enthusiast Trina.

Chloé Dygert 

Won bronze in Road Cycling Individual Time Trial. This one is a little tough because she was a gold medal favorite but the bad weather continued and she ended up getting bronze after a bad fall. She’s got more races to go though and more opportunities to win gold. So Chloé, are you going to brush your shoulders off and kick some ass in your next Olympic race?

Lee Kiefer & Lauren Scruggs

Won gold & silver in Women’s Individual Foil. I don’t think anyone predicted the gold medal match would be two Americans and a Canadian winning bronze making it a North American exclusive podium. Not trying to start a fencing civil war, but do your coaches prepare you to face your teammates and exploit their weaknesses that you probably know better than anyone? Kind of like a Hunger Games situation, you are going to work together until you have to face each other and then you just need to find a rock with eyes and you’ve got an easy win.

Nick Itkin

Won bronze in Men’s Individual Foil, his second Olympic bronze medal. Why do you aggressively bend your foil downwards between every point? Is it because many of your attacks are downwards so it theoretically will reach them faster? Or is it just an intimidation factor, like I’m going to bend you backward if you get too close? Either way, it seemed to work. Nice work Nick.

Medal Table Check-In

And for a quick medal table overview. We are currently in the odd phase early in the games where we have the most medals but not that many gold (YET), so we are deceptively low on the table. Do we only have 3 gold so far? Yes. But we also have 9 bronze medals. And C’s get Degrees.

Feeling Validated

The internet is full steam ahead for these Olympics and it feels like everyone is doing so many amazing Olympic jokes and commentary so I want to acknowledge that I am not really getting anything original out there.

But, I am so happy that I am not alone in thinking that the Google AI commercial about getting the interweb to write a fan letter was absolute garbage.

https://www.cnn.com/2024/07/29/tech/googles-ai-olympics-ad-backlash

Don’t waste one of the best athlete’s time with your garbage letters written by a computer program that only speaks in 0s and 1s. Or at least don’t make us watch it 10 times in a row during the primetime coverage on the Peacock App. It’s been that commercial and the one with Athing Mu that makes it seem like she made it to the Olympics…awkward. What do the kids call it now, chuegy? Did I use it right?

Until AI learns to write a fan letter like Mac writes one to Chase Utley I don’t want to hear it Google. Let kids write letters that are semi-incoherent, follow no logical order and are filled with stickers and glitter, just like I still do today. I think Sydney would like that more.

New Olympic Hero: Stephen Nedoroscik

For helping the US win a Bronze medal…and aggressively napping

The men’s gymnasts entered the team competition after a rocky qualification round. One of the biggest headlines was Brody Malone having a very bad night by not qualifying for the all-around competition or any individual apparatus finals. So it all came down to the team competition. And to one man…Stephen Nedoroscik.

Some people are good at public speaking, some are good at solving math problems. Others are good at building things with their hands. Stephen somehow discovered that he is good at one of the weirdest men’s gymnastics apparatus, the pommel horse, and became one of the best in the world.

Do you remember unimpressed Mckayla Maroney, the amazing vaulter who made the Olympic team in 2012 just to vault? Stephen is the same for the men’s team, brought to Paris just to pommel that horse. But Mckayla and Stephen are also the complete opposite because Mckayla is remembered for bringing that fire and sass. Stephen took a different approach today brought those sleepy guy vibes and napped at every opportunity.

I’m pretty sure at one point the announcers said something like “and we found Stephen again”. I’m assuming he was napping under the bleachers like any classic sleepy athlete. Why waste energy by staying awake during one of the biggest moments of your life to date?

But jokes aside, he did exactly what he was brought to do. The US men have been struggling on the Pommel Horse for the last few Olympics and needed a ringer and Stephen did what he needed to do to help get the US men back on the team podium after 16 years!

While Mckayla might not be impressed because it’s not a gold medal, I am impressed Stephen, and I think you are now the official king of all men who have to squint when they take their glasses off.

I guess Pommel Horse is the best event for people who don’t want to wear glasses
Maybe they can be a new power couple of apparatus specialists?

MEDAL ALERT

One of my favorite things about each Olympics is who gets the first medal for the United States. And this time it is Sarah Bacon and Kassidy Cook winning silver in 3m Synchronized Diving. They are nicknamed Cook’N’Bacon and my new heroes.

I was also about to make a joke about making sure Kazakhstan doesn’t get too cocky and start coming for us also getting on the medal table so early but then I read this below and thought that’s what it’s all about.

“I’m feeling perfect. This was the first (Olympic) competition for me, and I got third place, so it’s perfect,” IslamSatpaev said when asked what it felt like to win the first medal of Paris 2024.

Opening Ceremony Analysis

Full honesty, I missed some pieces of it for deep-dish pizza but my multiple Olympic sources told me I didn’t miss much. If anything I would love to see the initial live broadcast and not the primetime replay. I heard the mechanical water horse ran for much longer in the afternoon viewing and I am still trying to figure out if it was on giant water skis or a submarine.

Overall, I applaud them for trying to do something different. And I think there is something interesting there, especially in a very historic city like Paris. I really liked the journey through the city and the special moments at some of the best-known buildings and locations. And they addressed a complaint we’ve all had about previous opening ceremonies…when the F is the parade of nations going to be over. They actually tackled that challenge head-on and said we are going to weave the parade throughout the entire program so it’s not just 90 minutes straight of people walking.

But I think I just figured out why I don’t think it was a resounding success for me. Olympic opening ceremonies are usually pretty abstract with little vignettes highlighting aspects of culture and moments in history and you just roll with it. Paris used a lot of pre-recorded moments that were not abstract and went deep into specific narratives. Like the Phantom dude seeing the Mona Lisa missing and the amazing Minion short film and then the painting is just floating in the river and then we are just pretending the French suddenly don’t care about their most prized piece of art.

It’s like they started with a very elaborate storyboard of the entire opening ceremony and then slowly had to cut things out for logistic reasons and time and what was left was bleh. Like the last season of Game of Thrones. One second you are watching Kirabati on a tiny boat wondering why they got one to themselves and the next second you are watching the start of a threesome after vandalizing a library. And just like GoT, it ended with a person atop the iron throne/tower with a unique style of speaking who is overcoming a physical disability to show the world what’s possible. Who doesn’t love a surprise Celine Dion performance?

I give it a B overall for taking a huge risk and the amount of amazing memes I already saw this morning. Go Big or Go Home.

except for Marie Antoinette, she tried to go big and she got sent home