Lindsey Jacobellis, Queen of Snowboard Cross, finally brings home the gold medal

I LOVE that Lindsey Jacobellis won USA’s first gold medal of Beijing. It was also her first Olympic gold, an incredibly long overdue honor for her. She won silver in 2006, should have won gold but had too much fun near the end and gave away the win. Since then, she’s won MANY world championships and X-Games golds but can finally add Olympic Gold. Her reaction after winning shows how much it means to her. You can watch Lindsey’s full gold medal run here.

But what is Snowboard Cross you ask? It’s basically wacky racing for the Winter Olympics. Four racers go down a course together, there is jostling and falls and jumps. I don’t think I’ve ever seen all four of them make it to the bottom unscathed and there is always something crazy happening. It’s truly never over until it’s over. At 36, probably for her last Olympics, Lindsey showed she can still hang with the next generation, athletes who she probably inspired to get into the sport when they were only kids themselves.

But also, can we talk about the team USA jackets from the cheering/coaching squad? At first, I was thinking homage to zebras because why not, and then was thinking magic eye books and subliminal messages of gold medals for the US athletes (or penises, wasn’t that always the rumor?), but I think I’m actually going with a subtle form of hypnosis for competitors. Maybe US athletes are immune but when competitors see it during competition, they freeze for a second. You know, kind of like the plot of Zoolander. FASHION.

All Olympic Games have their controversies. Do you remember the cardboard beds to prevent Olympic boinking in Tokyo? Let’s go over a few and give them a drama analysis based on moments from Mean Girls.

Drama: Quarantine Cafeteria Food

So….it’s definitely not what I would order off the menu. I think the chicken piece in the top corner is what puts it over the edge for me. BUT, at least it’s not like Delaware school cafeterias where people had milk in a clear bag where you had to put a straw directly in it and then kids would make milk fountains or throw the bag or someone would slam their fist on the bag. Either way, it always ended up with milk everywhere. Is that the reason I hate milk? We’ll never know.

Anywho, the very poor state of delivered meals in the quarantine hotel has been confirmed by multiple athletes from multiple countries. So this seems real and kinda gross but also easy to fix.

DRAMA RATING: Giving your friend Kalteen bars for a couple weeks. Not permanent but they aren’t going to forget it.

Drama: Leslie Jones V NBC Battle

Leslie Jones does it stay anywhere I’m not welcomed. #uptoyallnow pic.twitter.com/jark0Joc0N

— Leslie Jones 🦋 (@Lesdoggg) February 7, 2022

Leslie Jones is doing her usual thing of live-tweeting the Olympics, bringing wider awareness and new audiences to the games. Sounds great right? Wrong. For a little while, she was being told to stop. The problem is she live streams tv coverage of the Olympics and provides commentary. I’m not surprised this became an issue because the Olympic brand and NBC’s coverage are locked down so tightly. I’m probably a few hours away from getting a cease and desist letter after typing this.

There was a public outcry and NBC claimed some bullshit third-party issue as the problem….rightttt. Either way, it’s over now and Leslie should be back in action!

DRAMA RATING: Secretly threeway calling someone and pretending everything is fine now that the truth is out while pretending to move on, but you know.

DRAMA: Baggy Clothing Bias

This is just unfolding and I’m sure there will be much more to come. In the Olympic debut of mixed team ski jumping, 5 female athletes were disqualified during the finals for having “too baggy” jumpsuits that could give them an unfair advantage in the air. Like a flying squirrel. There are some serious red flags there is something nefarious happening:

• The countries with disqualifications are some of the historically strongest ski jumping countries seemingly targeting likely medalists
• All of the athletes are females and there is a long history of people within the sport being biased and exclusionary towards women
• The athletes are saying their suits were all approved for the games and numerous other competitions throughout the year and overnight the rules seemed to be changed

I was never a jnco jeans kids so I’m not the best judge of what is too baggy but this definitely seems suspicious and I’m eager to find out what will eventually go in the burn book.

DRAMA RATING: Pretending to be someone’s friend but secretly planning their entire social demise and stealing their man in a movie montage. Can’t really come back from that.

Ryan Cochran-Siegle SILVER – Alpine Skiing, Men’s Super-G

Even though he comes from a skiing dynasty family and his mom won gold in 1972 he wasn’t actually expected to win a medal. The announcers kept talking about how off they thought he was for the games, he had a serious crash and surgery a year ago but he shocked everyone with a silver medal. Unlike some other events, the best racers aren’t saved for last so he had to wait around a while with a camera in his face before getting to officially claim the medal. And there were some EMOTIONAL moments. He called his mom and got choked up trying to say “he did it”. He did an interview and got choked up about continuing his family legacy. It was just very touching to see. Congrats Ryan.

Jessie Diggins BRONZE – Cross Country Skiing, Women’s Individual Sprint

You might remember Jessie Diggins from 2018 when she and Kikkan Randall won gold in the team event, the first-ever gold medal for US cross country skiing! Now she’s done it again with a bronze medal in the Individual Sprint (~1 mile), winning the first-ever US medal in that event! Since her historic victory in 2018, she has inspired a new generation of American cross country skiers and opened up about her own struggles with an eating order to create awareness and encourage other athletes to get help. She also gets emotional after becoming the first American to do something, no big deal. Lots of almost tears in the last 12 hours. Congrats Jessie.

This is American Emery Lehman. He’s got a little bit of party in the back and hip/fashion on the side.

He’s from Chicago. He picked up hockey at an early age but that’s not what he’s at the Olympics for. He just finished 11th in his event.

A big hint: You should probably think of those lines in his hair as RACING stripes.

DRUMROLL….SPEED SKATING. Bonus points if you were thinking traditional and not short track. He just finished the 1,500 and will be back for the team pursuit on February 15.

Thanks for playing. I think he might have grown out the sides and cut the back for the games, probably the reason he wasn’t top ten.

American Olympic news coverage LOVES to pick a handful of athletes and focus most of their attention on them. It’s usually well-known and media-friendly favorites for medals combined with a few folks who have some extraordinary backstory about overcoming odds.

But we sent 224 athletes to the games, most of any country. The majority won’t be on the podium at the end of the day, won’t be on any primetime coverage and I’d like to give some of them a little attention. So here is the first post of the “3 CHEERS” series for 2022.

3 CHEERS for Scott Patterson – Skiathlon

What? You don’t know what skiathlon is?

Scott knows because he got 11th. He improved on his 18th place finish in 2018 to get the best finish by an American man ever. GO SCOTT! Scott is from Anchorage, Alaska, and also is a very accomplished mountain runner according to his blog.

Jokes aside, it’s time to learn. Skiathlon is a 30km race where they complete the first 15k (9.3 miles) in the classic technique of cross country skiing. Stop. Change their skis. Complete the second 15k in the free technique.

Classic style is what you do on a NordicTrack. They use the parallel grooves in the snow when going uphill and on flat terrain. It’s easier but also slower, kind of similar to the backstroke in the pool. Free, just like freestyle in the pool, is faster. It involves movements that are more similar to ice skating. It is a little harder though because you have the potential of tangling your skis. Scott did the free portion of the race about 3 minutes faster than the classic for a total time of 1 hour, 20 minutes to give you a little more context. He was actually the fourth fastest on the free portion of the race, probably that mountain running helping him keep a lot in the gas tank.

So now you know Skiathlon and now you know Scott Patterson. 3 CHEERS.

Breaking Things Out Of Excitement

I can not figure out which athlete this is but I love how he tried to fix it.

Don't let ANYTHING stop you from celebrating. 😂 #WinterOlympics pic.twitter.com/JRqAdHnkBt

— NBC Olympics (@NBCOlympics) February 6, 2022

Mikaela Shiffron Being Just Like Us

During an interview with Lester Holt, she said that “On Top of Spaghetti” gets stuck in her head right before she starts skiing during competitions. Let’s all get the song stuck in our head whenever she competes in solidarity! Her first event, the Giant Slalom got rescheduled to 8:30 tonight. Tune in!

Dinosaurs

I’m sure I’ll hate this commercial by the end of the Olympics but JURASSIC PARK AND THE OLYMPICS COMBINED INTO ONE THING!!!

Women’s Hockey Crushing It

The story for the women’s hockey tournament is USA and Canada working towards a rematch for the gold medal and everyone else is just along for the ride. So far the US has been DOMINATING in their games. Canada has as well but it’s been going well so far. I’ll circle back around when the medal rounds start!

She just won silver in Freestyle Skiing: Moguls. Moguls scores are 60% based on mogul turn technique, 20% on speed and 20% on the quality of the jumps. Jaelin was F*ING FLYING down the hill to maximize the speed portion of her score. All french fries, no pizza slice, that’s for sure.

What might have also helped were the two special necklaces she was wearing, gifts from her mother who was also a pro skier. The first she received four years ago for the 2018 Olympics where she had a disappointing games. The second was sent to Jaelin when she was already in China and included a pearl and a diamond from her grandmother. “She wrote this whole note, but basically, a pearl is made from grit and turned into something remarkable,” Kauf said. Love it.

And just like our first medal, it came from the women’s team in an X-Games type event and the gold medalist, Jakara Anthony got her country their first-ever winter gold medal. This time it was New Zealand’s neighbor Australia!

I just watched the entire coverage of the men’s 5K Long Track Speed Skating and they seem to be doing a “Venue Ceremony” right after the race is finished that doesn’t include medals but PANDA STUFFED ANIMALS. Well, to be specific, the Olympic mascot, Bing Dwen Dwen.

The announcers said there will be a medal ceremony later on but there is something hilarious about Scandinavian men, descended from Vikings, battling it out for a stuffed animal.

Are these going to be the new Beanie Babies and traded amongst the athletes like pins and souvenir condoms?

Nils Van Der Poel of Sweden, in the last skate of the event, had an inspirational last lap to take the gold. Silver medalist Patrick Roest of the Netherlands, who was sitting with the gold and the Olympic Record for over an hour, was very upset and moped around for a little while before seemingly coming around to be excited for the Silver, and the panda.

But Van Der Poel dropped the panda at one point to hold up the Swedish flag….he’s going for another gold in the 10,000 later this week and I’m a little worried for his chances now that he’s disrespected the panda stuffed animal. They also made them walk around the venue with the pandas and wave a lot, again, hilarious.

Will Bing Dwen Dwen get the last laugh? Tune in on Friday, February 11 at 3:00am for the live answer…you know I will be because time doesn’t exist for me during the Olympics.