Based on almost no facts, headlines I saw on Instagram but didn’t verify and random things that I associate with France. None of these will come true, but if they do, someone owes me a beer/hummus.

Anastasia and Dmitri finally make it back to Paris and light the cauldron

The animated masterpiece Anastasia was actually a true story and Paris was the key to both of their hearts. Anastasia’s been traveling the world with Dmitri and at 120 years of age, they are ready to settle where they defeated a terrifying demon horse and solidified their love. Their contributions to public safety in Paris will be rewarded by having the honor of lighting the Olympic Cauldron to officially open the 2024 Games.

Drones help Zinedine Zidane headbutt a football over the Eiffel Tower

In a nod to his most talked about moment, Zidane will be on the ground and headbutt a soccer ball. With the power of drones and croissant magic, the ball will grow fifty times in size and slowly go over the top of the Eiffel Tower landing on the other side to none other than…the Olsen Twins reprising their roles from Passport to Paris. I will accept half drinks if a portion of this is correct. Zidane and drones have to make an appearance.

Someone poops in the Seine

I heard Parisians opposed to the Olympics used the river as a bathroom when the mayor was taking a publicized swim to show how clean it is. There is no way someone doesn’t continue that trend during the opening ceremony to get on TV as one of the boats goes by. My official guess is when the Italy boat gets announced.

Vikings will infiltrate the nautical parade of nations

Vikings invaded Paris via the Seine in 845 and again in 885-886. They heard Paris is using the river as the parade of nations instead of a traditional stadium and they are not happy. Vikings had become peaceful citizens over time and one of their biggest sources of joy was being the volunteers at Olympic Games who stand in the stadiums and clap for 4 hours and guide the athletes. Paris poked the bear by taking away that opportunity and now the Vikings will repeat history by infiltrating tonight’s ceremony on a boat and re-invade Paris.

A US Men’s Rugby Player Falls Off the Boat

The US Men’s Rugby team has done their duty for the Stars and Stripes so they are in full party mode. They are doing a wine and cheese tour right now but skipping lunch because they want to try as many types of Brie as possible. Someone will give them a basket of baguettes to eat while they get dressed for tonight’s ceremony but it will go untouched in favor of more wine. This will lead to someone leaning over the edge a little too far and falling into the river, hopefully not near the third prediction. Good news, he’ll be fine and get rescued by the French boat that will be right behind them. A French water polo player will comfort him and they’ll fall in love.

I just found out that I’m terrible at escape rooms so fingers crossed one of these comes true and I actually have psychic powers instead.

How did USA do?

Better! In alphabetical order accompanied by a fictional character who I think would do well in the sport:

Archery

Casey Kaufhold had the best day of the four American athletes during the qualification round. She finished in 4th place setting up the US women for a 4th place ranking in team competition and a 3rd place ranking in the mixed team competition. She’ll be joined by long-time medalist Brady Ellison. I’m hoping that with their powers combined, they can get Casey’s first medal and Brady’s last Olympic medal! Go team go!

Football

The US women made their 2024 debut in dominant fashion winning 3-0 over Zambia. They are hoping to return to the gold medal match after not making it to the final in the last two games, and off to a great start.

Handball

We don’t have any handball teams so we technically didn’t lose, hooray! But I did watch Spain against Brazil and remembered how unique/silly of a sport it is. We haven’t had a team since 1996, and we only had one then because the games were in Hotlanta and got the host/pity spot. Should I start training for LA2028?

Rugby Sevens

The men’s team had a spectacular game this morning against Uruguay, 33-17, securing their spot in the quarter-finals. But lost that quarterfinal match later in the day to Australia 18-0. The sky was out, their thighs were out and we thank them for doing their best. Do they get to hang out now for the rest of the games? Those cardboard beds have their work cut out for them.

Just for fun

Did you also watch the US men in Rugby Sevens and think who is that masked man playing for Uruguay? Is his face ok? Or is it just an intimidation factor like the Phantom of the Opera and he doesn’t want anyone to know his true identity? Well, I couldn’t resist. His name is Baltazar Amaya. You’re welcome.

From some of my favorite gay comedians. I’m not saying there is going to be a lot, or any, thoughtful commentary on the Olympics from these 4 gentleman. But if you need something fun, give them a listen.

I Never Liked You

with Matteo Lane & Nick Smith

Two Guys, Five Rings

with Bowen Yang & Matt Rogers

Just a quick shout-out to Salt Lake City for getting the Winter Olympics in 2034. I’ve been there, twice! They really love the Olympics with some great public monuments, a fun museum and an Olympic sports park that is multi-seasonal! And I don’t care if there were technically no other cities in the running, we needed a win today. Time to start cutting out at least 1 family-sized tub of Hummus a month to save for the Olympics.

And I have to give one of my all-time favorite winter Olympic athletes, Chris Mazdzer a shout-out for getting up at 3am to celebrate in the streets of Salt Lake City.

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How did USA do?

Not the best opening day for the USA. But since the opening ceremonies aren’t until Friday and this is pool play let’s just pretend that Saturday is the real first day of competition.

Men’s Rugby Sevens

The official Skies Out, Thighs Out team tied France 7-7 and then lost to Fiji 38-12 later in the day. They have to beat Uruguay tomorrow to have any chance of advancing. But apparently Fiji is as good at Rugby Sevens as Maui is at saying You’re Welcome unsolicited, so no real surprises today. I think the USA was just happy to be here but really planning for growth leading up to LA2028.

Fun fact, one of our best players, Perry Baker, once played for the Philadelphia Eagles!

Men’s Football

Not the Eagles kind of football, the Ted Lasso kind. But nothing good to report here either. We lost 0-3 to France. The host team usually has a little bit of a boost from the crowd and in this case, the smell of croissants and brie. But since this was the US men’s first Olympic match in 16 years we could have used a little bit more of a morale boost. But onward and upward to New Zealand on July 27!

Talk of the Town – Uzbekistan

Uzbekistan got their first ever Olympic goal in Men’s Football. But their fans were the talk of the town going wild and having a grand old time. Check out this dude’s square hat. Is that a future fashion trend? Only time will tell.

And just for fun…

We are back! I’m sorry there has been no pre-Olympic coverage, but I’m watching football right now and the blog is back in action. Much, much more to come.

Olympic pins are an INCREDIBLY hot commodity in the Olympic Village. In addition to dancing during an opening ceremony I would love to get in on the bartering system. People apparently trade pins for EVERYTHING.

I don’t have much experience with bartering but I’m ready to pretend it’s the 1500s and there isn’t a trustworthy monetary system. As long as there isn’t a Taco Bell because they would be able to commit Highway Robbery for what I would give away for some Cheesy Gordita Crunches.

Read more about this unique Olympic trend here.

We’ve got another great question!

What are upcoming events that will be filled with DRAMA? – Jon from Charlestown

Great question Jon! There are so many events that are sure to be filled with DRAMA and excitement and heartbreak and tears of joy. I’ll list out a few of the events over the next week that I’m most looking forward to should also have their share of DRAMA.

Figure Skating – Ice Dance

Sunday, February 13, 8:15 PM

Reasons for DRAMA: the two skaters are judged on never being too far away from each other at any given moment. What if they disagreed on how bedazzled their costumes should be? What if one of them really likes “Don’t Look Up” and the other one hates it? Maybe one of them can’t turn left and the other is tired of having to choreograph of only right turns? The possibilities for DRAMA are endless. Plus, jazz hands.

Speedskating – Team Pursuit

Tuesday, February 15, Women’s Final 2:24 AM & Men’s Final 2:43 AM

Reasons for DRAMA: of all the traditional speed skating events this is the most exciting. Teams of 3 start on opposite sides of the track and try to make up ground on the other team. They aren’t necessarily catching the other side at any point but if you haven’t watched any speed skating yet, at least tune in for the DRAMA in this one.

Hockey – Women’s Gold Medal Match

Wednesday, February 16, 11:10 PM

Reasons for DRAMA: If this ends up being USA & Canada it will be one of the most exciting events of the games. The rivalry runs deep. 1998: USA beat Canada for gold. 2002: Canada beat USA for gold. 2006: USA F*D up and got bronze, Canada beat Sweden for gold. 2010 & 2014: Canada beat USA For gold. 2018: USA beat Canada for gold. Another USA and Canada matchup would be amazing to watch, all for the DRAMA.

Women’s Figure Skating

Thursday, February 17, 5:00 AM

Reasons for DRAMA: Doping. That’s it. That’s going to be the DRAMA.

Four-Man Bobsled

Saturday, February 19, 10:20 PM

Reasons for DRAMA: The Jamaicans are back! They’ve had two-man sleds in the games for most Olympics but 1998 was the last time they had a four-man sled qualify. It’s also a lot of man for a small sled so how can there not be DRAMA.

If you have a question, observation, fun fact or something else I should share, you know where to find me!

There is a lot of exciting stuff going on tonight! I’m going to bounce around and fill in thoughts on the various events I’m trying to watch in a noncoherent mess of words. Get ready.

Women’s Halfpipe

• Chloe Kim’s first run….should everyone else just Rock, Paper, Scissors for the silver and bronze? We’re done here already right?
• Chloe is crying and talking about how happy she is to have nailed that first run. She is talking with her coach about how she can just do whatever she wants now, including tricks that we’ve never seen. Her family is freaking out in LA. Amazing all around.
• Chloe tried some new things in her second run and it didn’t work out but she still seems very energized and excited so I’m feeling good. And same with her third run but she tried.
• SHE HAS HER SECOND GOLD MEDAL. There is a lot out there on the web about everything that’s happened since her first gold and it’s worth reading. She took some time after winning her gold at a young age to step away from the spotlight and came back even stronger.

Men’s Free Figure Skate

• I switched here for a second and randomly saw Lukas Britschgi of Switzerland skating to Still Don’t Know My Name by Labrinth, recently made famous by the HBO show Euphoria. But it was the song played during an elaborate dance number during the season 1 finale after Rue relapsed so some mixed messages here. Have I become an old man by starting to think they shouldn’t use songs with words?
• I just switched back after almost an hour and it seems like we made minimal progress towards getting closer to Nathan Chen hopefully winning a gold medal. This next group seems to have a lot of guys with formal vests. I only approve if one of them pulls out a pocketwatch on a gold chain at least once during their performance.
• Switched back after Chloe solidified her gold to a guy wearing a black vest with a white shirt and a ponytail. Can’t stop thinking of him as a waiter trying to be too fancy. I’m going to go watch some skeleton until we get closer to Nathan Chen.
• And I fell asleep and now it’s Thursday morning and I’m watching a replay….but Congrats Nathan Chen on the gold medal!!!! One of my favorite facts is that both Scott Hamilton and Brian Boitano got a disappointing fifth in their first Olympics and then came back the next games to win gold and now Nathan Chen has done the same thing. I’m not sure if it is a curse or a gift but eithe way, he’s now in great company.

Women’s Curling

• The USA women’s curling team are competing in their first Round-Robin match against Russia right now and currently 4-1 almost halfway through the match. The US men beat Russia this morning in their Round-Robin match. Let’s send a message to the athletes from a country who can’t compete under their own flag because of doping in previous games and are once again accused of doping….
• US Women win 9-3. Cheaters never win in the long run.

Men’s Skeleton

• We’ve got one American in men’s Skeleton. They do 2 runs tonight and 2 more tomorrow. His name is Andrew Blazer and if we didn’t have the same first name he would be my future boyfriend since he’s one of the only out male athletes in the games. He’s currently 20th after his first run, not the best but he can still improve his standing within the competition, and my heart.

• His second run was worse than his first…he king of just bounced around the track the whole time…but his sled has a lot of rainbows on it. So, there’s that!