Owner’s Name: Robert Johansson

Sport: Ski Jumping

Country: Norway

Style & Shape: A+

Grooming: B+

Overall Presentation: A

Notes: I think he puts together an overall strong mustache presentation together that goes with his home country, hairstyle & sport. There is something very old-fashioned about ski jumping and this mustache goes perfectly with his ability to say “Good Day” and launch himself 100 meters into the air.

 

We’ve got our first medal of the games and it’s a gold (duh, because we’re awesome). He is a snowboarder and shredded a lot of gnar on his second run and is now an Olympic Gold medalist. But let’s take a closer look at his final run to see what secrets to success we can find.

Hugs

He gave all his coach/support crew/random bro entourage hugs before his final run. Nothing like hugging it out to calm the jitters and nerves (that’s a screenshot, sorry, you can’t hit the arrow to resume).

Winter Themed Camo over Comfy and Stylish Sweaters

I think we can all admit that Canada’s sweaters are legit. I would rock that all the time. But if we look at the podium wih USA on the top and Canada taking silver and bronze I think we can safely say that the sweaters aren’t gold medal worthy. Do you know what is? Winter themed camo. Canada came ready for the lodge and drinking spiked hot chocolate. USA came ready to snowboard down that hill like North Korea was invading and we needed to blend in with the natural environment. And it did the trick.

It was “Time to get Gerarded”

If you noticed the sign from his fan section, it was actually “Time to get Gerarded”. Unclear exactly what that means but I imagine it would have been hard for anyone else to win when it was actually “Gerarded” time. I think the rules are if you show up with the sign first you claim the time for your designated competitor so just another case of the early bird getting the worm.

So there you have it. His keys to success (and probably being only 17 and having zero fear and a body that can instantly bounce back when he doesn’t land all of his insane jumps perfectly).

Also, a few questions for the ceremony:

-Has a 17-year-old snowboarding bro ever been this excited for a stuffed animal before?

-Why does the stuffed animal have such an elaborate carrying case?

-Why don’t the stuffed animals increase in size for the podium finish? Red should have a giant carnival prize sized stuffed animal that he can swing around the podium and “accidentally” hit the silver and bronze medalists in the face with.

One of my new favorite athletes is Chris Mazdzer. Leslie Jones also just discovered him and the sport of Luge as well.

The US has never won an individual men’s Luge medal. We’ve got a couple double luge medals (because we’re progressive).

Chris is currently sitting SECOND. YAY YAYYYY. He was fourth after the first 2 runs yesterday and absolutely crushed his third run this morning with the best individual run time of the games so far. He has gotten better each run and is in striking distance of gold. One more run to go!

4th and Final Run

Its only the top 20 guys now and they do reverse order.

-American Taylor Morris just did his final run. Solid games for him and he seemed happy with his overall performance. He narrowly missed out on making the Sochi team so I think he was just pumped to be in Korea.

-Now we get to watch the guys that are temporarily the leaders stand and wave at the camera until they are kicked out and have to do an overexaggerated frown and quick wave.

-Might as well post this now as the middle of the pack is going:

-And back to luge. So it is really F*in cold there and the ice is real hard and fast (insert joke related to the video above). These guys are putting some fast times down as they are getting some real good speed.

-DOWN TO 3!! Austrian Gerscher is going now. Good run so far but he just put a foot down. This is good for Chris. He takes the top spot but didn’t have a perfect run. He’s definitely getting a medal.

-USA chant has started. Love it. He looks ready and focused. HE’S GETTING A MEDAL!!!! And he’s sprinting into the stands to get a flag.

-Felix Loch’s last run will determine the medals. He Just fucked up. Oh shittttt. He’s not on the podium and Chris just got silver!!!!!!

Women’s Skiathlon

What in tarnation is the skiathlon you ask? Well, it is like the biathlon for skiers. They do 7.5km in the classic style (think Norditrack movements) and switch skis and do it again freestyle where anything goes and it looks like they are about to tangle their skis constantly. Charlotte Kalla of Sweden won, no surprise there. But American Jessie Diggins got 5th which was the best U.S. finish in an XC ski event ever and this isn’t even her best event! Get some Jessie.

For this edition of medal winners we’ll take a look at pictures the official Olympic instagram used for each of the winners:

Of course she won, she doesn’t even look tired. I’ve looked worst walking to the bus on a warm day.

Women’s Biathlon 7.5 Sprint

Biathlon is sneaky one of my favorite sports to watch. It’s one of those old military exercises that turned into a sport and is still going strong. This is the sprint so they just do 3 laps total and shoot lying down once and shoot standing up once. And if you miss one of the shots you do a penalty lap. The winner Laura Dahlmeier missed 0 shots. She took that second grade advice very seriously about taking your time and came out on top. Our top competitor had a cold she couldn’t shake….its flu season y’all, get that hand sanitizer out.

Really? This was the best picture? Couldn’t have waited 5 seconds for her to catch her breath?

Men’s Short Track Speed Skating 1500

So this one got a little crazy because there were 9 dudes competing because of so many penalties in the semifinals. That’s a lot of dudes skating around an ice rink at a fast pace. Lots of jockeying for position, quick skating the whole race and only one fall near the end. Lim Hyo-Jun came out on top. And just a small note (literally), the winner was 5’6 and the silver and bronze dudes are 5’8. So any guys out there that know they aren’t going to be a basketball player, check out short track speed skating.

Pure Olympic joy for winning on the home turf. I do feel kinda bad that the Russians/OAR superfans don’t even get a flag next to their name (look in the comments). At least throw them the Olympic flag.

Women’s Long Track Speed Skating 3,000

If the king and queen of the Netherlands come to watch you better perform (even though I have no idea if they are like the Queen of England and more of a symbolic figurehead or their wooden shoes are the end all, be all). But either way, Carlijin Achtereekte, Ireen Wuest & Antoinete De Jong came through and swept the podium to continue their country’s dominance in the sport.

Is that a yawn or a battle cry? Kinda works either way because she’s bored with the competition or her battle cry worked and she scared them all off.

Embarrassing Olympic father gold medal goes to 22 year old luger Tucker West’s dad who manages his social media (?!?) and told the single ladies to reach out. Dear Mr. West, your son is the Olympic village…he’s going to do just fine.

Some early Olympic social media drama. Coin toss seems pretty fair to me when votes are tied for the US flag bearer in the opening ceremonies. Thought we could pretend to be a unified team for at least a day or two.

Ski ballet used to be a thing apparently….probably missed my calling. Jan Boucher is kinda my hero now. Would have had the boombox behind me blaring “We Belong”.

And just because:

Still doesn’t feel completely real until the opening ceremonies but the first night of full primetime coverage!

Breaking News: Walkie Talkies are trying to compete for Olympic medals now.

General Thoughts

-Russian athletes that win gold will stand on the podium to the Olympic anthem. Will they kinda sing/mumble the words to the Russian anthem and see if it fits? How pissed is Putin though?

Curling

-Update on our new favorite curling sibling duo, Matt & Becca! They lost to Canada earlier today (leaving them at 1-1) and are in the 7th end right now tied 3-3 against Switzerland. It’s getting a little dicey and the good shots aren’t flowing as freely. Fingers crossed they pull this one out.

-They didn’t. Not a good 8th end and we are down 2-1 as the favorited swiss team remains unbeaten. Tomorrow’s a new day.

Team Figure Skating

-Tara and Johnny looking a little more mature and subdued. Kinda hope they are just warming up for some legit antics later in the games.

-If you are wondering what Nathan Chen was dressed as when he predicted these games, it was Peter and the Wolf. I was thinking Gaston but I guess that works.

-Alright, not a good start for Nathan Chen or USA’s team competition. I’m hoping he can shake it off for his next skate and the rest of the team can also not let this set the mood for the rest of the competition.  His music choice was my favorite so far at least…

-Russian guy looks like he is about to go black swan all over this competition. Nope, doing a little more Natalie Portman while she was pulling out her nails.

–Alexa and Chris putting in some great work for the USA as the pairs skaters for the team competition (yeah yeah 69.75). Minus that one weird little trip. We all do it.

-I think someone needs to tell all the skaters to pick music that a middle schooler from 2002 wouldn’t listen to alone in their room after their boy/girlfriend of a week dumped them via written note passed from Becky during homeroom (looking at you Radford and Duhamel, neighbors to the north). Let’s pep it up a bit.

Since the Olympics have started (winter is becoming like summer and starting days in advance of the ceremonies) I think it is the perfect time to take a look back at Sochi with some of my favorite athletes, moments and memes from the games:

TJ Oshie

While there wasn’t a happy ending for the U.S. men’s team hockey team, there was a spectacular prelim match against Russia that gave us American Hero TJ Oshie. In a shootout, Oshie ended up taking 6 shots (5 consecutively) and netting 4 of them to give America the win while Putin was watching. Suck it Russia.

Meryl Davis & Charlie White

I inherited a bit of ice skating fever from Mama Royer so got a little wrapped up in Meryl & Charlie and their quest for an Olympic gold before retiring from ice dancing. They were one of the safest bets across all sports for an Olympic Gold for the USA and they did not disappoint. Probably because they dressed for motherfucking success.

 

Netherlands Long Track Speed Skaters Won Most of the Golds

Just like the US has track sprints and swimming, the Netherlands have long track speed skating and they crushed it. I’m traditionally the Netherlands in an ongoing Olympic bar game so I’m glad to support my fake teammates in one of their favorite sports. And their absolute dominance (8 of 12 gold medals) was quite impressive. And how can you not like the orange uniforms?

Alexandre Bilodeau celebrates with his brother

Moguls is one of the first events of the Olympics so in 2010 he had the honor to win Canada’s first gold medal. Alexandre came back to defend that medal in 2014 to become the first freestyle skier to defend a gold medal. He dedicated his win to his older brother with cerebral palsy who he said “is my real inspiration…he lives his dreams through me…he is my everyday inspiration.” Dreams do come true.

US Slopestyle Skiing Sweep

Joss Christensen, Gus Kenworthy & Nicholas Goepper gave the USA our third sweep of a winter Olympic podium ever in this freestyle (aka X-Games-esc) skiing discipline. And it gave Gus the start to fame so he could become the inspirational public gay sports bro that he is today.

 

 

Overall it wasn’t a bad showing for the USA (the list below is before Russia’s doping scandal and four revoked medals so take that for what it is). We usually get around 28 medals in the 3rd position and predictions are running about the same for 2018.

Oh, and let’s not forget the memes from 2014!!

 

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Ignore all the superbowl ads about the Olympics starting Thursday. Guess who is curling right fucking now?

The Hamilton Siblings and they are against Russia.

Live Updates Below:

-Matt Hamilton’s Mustache Game is a solid A+

-They looked good in the first end. Scored 3. Becca had a solid double knockout on her last stone.

-They do a lot of fun accents in between throws. Quote from Matt “That was like totally savage” in reference to Becca crushing her last stone to take 3.

-How would you even dope in curling? You never see an incredibly buff curler, don’t want to melt the ice too much I guess?

-Russia scored 2 in the second end. No major mistakes from the US, just could have done a couple shots a little better.

-The Russian curlers names are Anastasia & Alexander. Bartok better be in the rafters somewhere cheering them on.

-This is fascinating to watch because the US team are siblings and the Russian team are a married couple. Very different dynamics going on. Alexander just fucked up and touched the rock while sweeping…he’s going to be doing dishes for a long time.

-Totally forgot that there is such thing as a “hog-line violation” in curling…hehe

-USA is pulling ahead after the 5th end with a score of 7-2. Looking strong.

-Matt’s down. He has fallen sweeping tooo hard. Anastasia laughed, Matt’s not hurt. Back in the game.

-Matt & Becca for the 9-3 win. Solid start. Russia is one of the favorites as they are the 2016 world champions so I don’t think they should be counted out in anyway.

-Sidebar: get used to hearing “OAR” as the abbreviation for Olympic Athletes from Russia. I feel like the band OAR is going to get a boost from this somehow.

Instead of doing an in-depth prediction/analysis of each sport or the trials (because honestly, I didn’t watch all of them, my bad) I’m just going to throw out some random hopes, dreams and predictions for the games. And at the end, we’ll see how far off I actually was.

Hopes

-My boy Gus Kenworthy wins a gold medal.

–Nathan Chen not only lands all his quads, but actually invents the quint jump.

-Teenager Maame Biney has the race of her life and wins a bronze in the 500m short track speed skating.

-The lack of the NHL players combined with an “Olympic Athletes from Russia” team made up of mostly KHL players will create a bit of a 1980 vibe but allow some young fresh faces to start their careers in the spotlight on their way to a bronze medal.

-At least one ice skater will take full advantage of the new policy to skate to music with lyrics and wildcard Cardi B’s “Bodack Yellow”.

Dreams

-DalyNitro duo Steve Langton and John Daly both receive gold medals and celebrate by continuing DalyNitro (and maybe putting some PG-13 nudity in).

-The first ever mixed-doubles U.S.A. curling team of siblings Matt & Becca Hamilton from Wisconsin have a rocky start when Becca finds out that Matt did actually break her Ice Fishing Barbie back in second grade. But they recover and win a bronze.

-The Olympic Spirit of coming together with your fellow man for the goal of athletic peak performance starts to legitimately ease the tension between North Korea and the world (this one’s a legit dream, world peace y’all).

-Leather gloves that Sully from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman would wear will make a comeback after the opening ceremonies.

Predictions (you can hold me accountable on these)

-Mikaela Shiffrin and Lindsey Vonn combine for 4 medals including 2 golds.

-Biathlete Lowell Bailey will finish in the top 5 getting the best finish ever by an American in the sport but not receive that elusive medal.

-Women’s Hockey gold medal match is the U.S. and Canada in a highly competitive showdown that comes down to a single goal and the U.S. takes home the gold.

-Germany and Norway battle it out for the most medals (in the void of Russia) with Norway eventually sitting atop the medal count.

-The Netherlands will continue to dominate in speed skating and while they won’t match their 24 medals from 2014, they will win at least 18.

-2016 opening ceremony star Pita Taufatofua, who is now a cross-country skier, will manage to somehow take his shirt off during the winter Olympics to keep his reputation strong.

-Men’s Double Luge will continue to be a baffling sport.

Let the failed predictions begin!

 

So a little gem I found last Olympics was Daly Nitro, a youtube series from U.S. bobsledder Steve Langton and Skeleton athlete John Daly. It followed the daily life of Olympic athletes when they are in peak training (and also had a lot of free time on their hands). There were some decent jokes and schitcks (and some pretty bad ones but they tried hard). And they are handsome and took their shirts off a decent amount so I might have subscribed to their channel. Youtube 4 years ago was just the start of me following U.S. Bobsled & Skeleton athletes on social media and I highly recommend doing the same.

John Daly spends a lot of time on his hair and is a big fan of stories and filters:

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bea3MXRnsvx/?taken-by=johndalyusa

You get to see some of their training facilities and practice routines from guys like Evan Weinstock:

Or some insane workout videos from Steve Langton to see what a bobsled push athlete actually does on a regular basis (hint: it’s all weights and sprints):

Because, like in Cool Runnings, so many of these guys are college track athletes that specialized in sprints and jumps and clearly love to get swole and do wind sprints. Now they just do it on the ice and fulfill their Need for Speed. So if you need a little more Bobsled & Skeleton in your life (and guys in spandex) I suggest finding some of them and giving them a follow.

P.S. Olympic Bobsledder Kai Kun just liked three of my photos on Instagram. F* YEAH. (I don’t care if it was clickbait to follow him for sponsorship purposes, I’m still excited and bragging about this one the whole games).