For all your extremely amateur coverage of the Olympics, mediocre attempts at being witty and original takes, overuse of GIFs and Memes & other random thoughts (and probably some handsome Olympians along the way).
These are top 5 events/sports I think I could be good at
Flatwater Kayak Racing
I’ve always really enjoyed kayaking and I can get some good speed going, especially if I actually trained. Also, my large posterior has to be helpful for stabilizing the kayak at top speeds, right?
Trap Shooting
I did this once at a bachelor party and I was pretty good by the end. I would get to yell “PULL” a lot and we all know I love a good vest. Seems like a win-win-win.
Badminton
We played a lot on vacation and I could see myself getting really into this sport. I love distance running but it’s naturally very even-paced and there are no consistent opportunities to fist pump and yell like there are in badminton…so putting it on the list.
Volleyball
Yes, I know I would look like a small child compared to the other players, height wise. BUT, there is the defensive specialist who wears the different color jersey and is always a little bit shorter. That could be my calling.
Water Polo
I’m a strong swimmer but full honesty, this….this would just be a ploy to find a husband. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This Jump-Off Had Everything: Horses with a higher net value than me, monkey statues, Bruce Springsteen’s Daughter, tiny bridges to nowhere, the oldest American woman to win an Olympic medal since 1904, a random Kimono sitting in the middle of a dirt field, Bruce Springsteen’s Daughter, horses dressed to impress, people in tiny coats and oversized boots, MTV’s Dan Cortese Bruce Springsteen’s Daughter.
Jessica Springsteen and Friends ended up losing the Jump Off but I’m still proud of their silver medal. You can watch it all here.
Mixed rhyme and reasons, almost at the end of the games, getting kind of sad.
Journaling while High Jumping
This is Nicola McDermott from Australia and she won silver in the high jump this morning. She journals after every single jump and I would pay money to know what she is writing. Big day for journaling. I’m guessing it’s technical notes but I really hope it has absolutely nothing to do with high jump. “Start looking around for a new medium size frying pan, I’m tired of omelets sticking to the one you got from Aunt Mildred” OR “yes, I do want to commit to watching the entire Marvel cinematic universe in chronological order, even Antman and the Wasp, you can do it Nicola” OR maybe she’s playing MASH with herself to find out what medal she is going to win, who she is going to marry and what pet she is going to have.
France Celebrating with the Can-can
France won a very exciting Gold Medal Match against Russia in men’s indoor volleyball. Right after they won the Can-can started playing and the team went into a celebration of the Can-can. It was very very French and kind of hilarious. I guess no one expected France to medal, they haven’t made it out of pool play for years so this was actually a very exciting moment for these tall and handsome men. Also the French Coach, Laurent Tillie, looks like he could give you some excellent, but hard to hear, advice while you sit at a café along a river.
Rising star and youngster Jakob Ingebrigtsen of Norway outsprinted slightly more seasoned Tim Cheruiyot of Kenya in the 1,500 to fulfill everyone’s desire for an exciting final. And then Tim gave Jakob a bracelet!! Big day for bracelets and friendship between competitors. Jakob is only 20 but Tim is only 25 so this rivalry is really only getting started. Jakob seems to be more of a single dangly earring guy so maybe we’ll see him gift one of those in the future!
RIBBON DANCING
I watched the last 20 minutes of the individual all-around competition and there was a lot of excitement and drama. There are twins from Russia that were supposed to dominate and one of them calls themselves a demon and the announcer even said at one point “can anyone break the Russian stranglehold on this event”. Very strong words for hula-hooping and ribbon dancing but here we are. Linoy Ashram from Israel was apparently the athlete to defeat the Russians with a ribbon dancing performance (skip to 175:30) to a techno version of the song that is played at every Bah Mitzvah ever. Now the head of the Russian IOC is demanding an inquiry into the judging of the entire event and is probably throwing people into the gulag already.
Here’s a map of the course and personally, I would not be a fan of it as a runner. It’s great for spectators since you can post up in one spot on the course and see the runners pass 3 times but I love marathon courses that have very long stretches in them and no loops. It makes it go faster and is more exciting to me. I actually try to not know the course in advance so then it’s a surprise and a welcome distraction to the amount of pain I’m usually in by mile 19.
Is anyone else crying during this segment on Aliphine’s background and the beautiful book for her daughter….just me, cool.
Interesting fact I just figured out. The taller athlete running, throwing down some Paula Radcliffe vibes, is Fabienne Schlumpf from Switzerland. She is actually more known as a steeplechaser. I feel like we’ve seen a lot of successful track athletes at the 5k or 10k distances move up to marathon but haven’t necessarily heard of a steeplechaser doing it. They are only running 3k which is basically mid-distance at this level of athletics.
But very excited to see that almost an hour in we’ve got 2 US athletes in the lead pack!!
So fun fact about when I run a marathon, usually around mile 16/17 I only drink half the water I pick up and then throw the rest in my face. In my head it looks sexy and athletic but there’s a good chance my nipples are bleeding by this point and I have salt lines across my face from sweat drying so…..
Bad news, I think Aliphine Tuliamuk officially dropped out.
MOLLY SEIDEL looking great right now. There is still a lot of running but it’s only her THIRD marathon and she is in front of the lead pack. This is wild and so exciting.
Just saw the truck of cameras they are all following….would not love following that.
No matter what happens from here, what an amazing race for Molly Seidel. Running without fear, inspirational to watch. I’m currently mapping out a long run for tomorrow to do in her honor.
I think it’s safe to MOLLY IS GETTING A MEDAL!!!! This is AMAZING.
I don’t think China can lose the 4×100 after doing this move during their intro….let’s find out.
Nope, didn’t work. This group of guys below won, probably just as surprising. Italy getting good at Track & Field these Olympics while the US can’t even pass the baton. Maybe the US guys should start doing the Avengers Assemble moves to see if it gets them to work better as a team?
All the rhyme and reason, still just wanted to share:
The Guy On The Left
He brings me joy because he said “no, I will not bleach my hair with the rest of you. I did that in 7th grade thinking it would get me a date to the dance and it didn’t work so I promised myself never again. I intend on keeping that promise”. Also congrats on the bronze medal in the men’s team pursuit in track cycling.
Mijain Lopez Throwing his Coaches Around
This Cuban wrestler won/dominated his fourth straight gold medal in Greco-Roman wrestling in the 130 kg weight class. He then proceeded to throw his coaches around the ring like it was WWE. The guy on the left is trying to find his glasses after he was picked up and gently slammed into the mat and the guy upside is getting a ride around the ring. Wrestlers will be wrestlers.
The Current Medal Count
Are we going to get a record high number of medals? Probably not. Are we going to beat our medal haul from Rio of 121? Also, probably not. But are we still having a good Olympic games overall? Yes. While most medal counts prioritize golds over total number of medals I like ESPN’s display above the best. China has more golds but we still have the most medals of any other country and I think that should be celebrated. And at least we aren’t bullying our own Silver Medalists too much. We all need to say NO to bullying and together, we can bully bullying into not bullying.
You know how sprints on the track for running are people just going all out for a short distance? The 100 meters is one of the simplest events in the entire Olympics. You sprint in a straight line and the fastest person wins. But if you try taking that logic to the velodrome (indoor cycling arena) for their sprint event you will be
(I think we could all use a Dr. Cox in our lives to keep us humble)
It’s still whoever crosses the finish line first BUT it’s a 1:1 battle of strategy and will and love and then a break-up. They spend the first lap going as slow as possible to trick each other into getting the better position, or are they just flirting? The person in front is constantly looking back and swerving making sure their butt is always in the other person’s face.
and cyclists have notoriously big booties
They can also do a thing called a “track stand” where they literally just stop moving for a bit and balance on their bikes stare at each other. It’s kind of cute.
but instead of heart v brain it’s heart v legs
But all good things must come to an end and eventually one of them decides it’s time to move on because they saw the winning cyclist in the race before them and they start thinking, are they a better match for me? So that person takes off and tries to leave the other cyclist behind.
The cyclist who was left behind tries to catch up but it never really works and they are officially ghosted and sent to the repechage. And by repechage I actually mean
I want them to put one person on the island with an accounting job that only needs 10 minutes to get ready, doesn’t work out and asks questions about retirement savings to mix it up
And guess what? That is only 1 of the track cycling event. I don’t even have the time (or knowledge) to explain what happens in Omnium or the Kieran or the Team Sprint. I’m pretty sure my blog would be banned if I showed a picture of the Madison so you’ll just have to learn about that one on your own.
So, go check out some indoor track cycling for yourself. Maybe pick up a few dating tips on the way and don’t forget to admire the massive thunder thighs along the way.
Do you know what’s the opposite of Despacito? Puerto Rico’s Jasmine Camacho-Quinn during the 100-meter hurdle finals. She beat world record holder Keni Harrison from the US to win Puerto Rico’s first ever gold medal in track and field. And do you know who was super impressed? Daddy Yankee.
I know I didn’t cover any of this last week and the last individual apparatus final just ended. It has been a wild ride. I’m not going to try to tell all the stories. The women’s team has been on an emotional rollercoaster but Suni Lee is leaving Tokyo an absolute star and ultimate Rise-To-The-Occasion-Er. MyKayla Skinner coming in clutch and taking full advantage of an opportunity she didn’t think she would get. Jade Carey showing how to shake it off and coming back strong for gold on the floor. And Simone, coming back in at the very end for what might be her last Olympic medal. The US men were also fun to watch. I’m honestly not sure if they were expected to win any medals but Sam Mikulak’s enthusiasm is gold in my book.
What I am going to do though is rank all the events within gymnastics based on no consistent criteria. Here we go.
#8 – Parallel Bars
The only time this has ever been exciting was when Danell Leyva stripped during the “Gala” performances in Rio. I feel like this was a staple at playgrounds growing up before they all started getting rock walls but it’s staying at the bottom for lack of excitement, lack of height/thrill in performances and lower pure strength compared to some of the other men’s events.
is it a 3/10s deduction for taking off clothing…or not taking off enough?
#7 – High Bar
This isn’t last because of height and thrill points but it just seems like a less interesting version of uneven bars. Maybe this should be combined with parallel bars so the guys have to go back and forth between 3 different bars?
or maybe it should be a team sport?
#6 – Balance Beam
I get that this takes extreme amounts of balance and skill but does anyone really like watching it that much? You are kind of just waiting for someone to fall. They throw in a lot of “artistic” hand movements that look awkward half the time. It’s just kind of bleh for me.
there should at least be a wolf howl sound effect when an athlete does this
#5 – Rings
This one is really hard to place because some of the individual moves they do are amazing feats of strength but the routines are so short and kind of boring. I do wonder if this would be the first to go though if the actual men’s gymnastic athletes had to play survivor with all the apparatus. I can’t picture anyone thinking “can’t wait to do rings next after my arms are already exhausted’.
I frequently look more tired walking up a small flight of stairs
#4 – Uneven Bars
Does anyone else immediately picture a black and white clip of the uneven bars and an athlete from back in the day kind of just going back and forth? It plays in repeat in my head. But this made it to #4 because I feel like the athletes have advanced the excitement of this event a lot, especially this year. I had a lot of “whoa” moments while watching some of the ways they combine skills and make catching the bar so easy.
could be more of this though…..
#3 – Pommel Horse
This is probably going to be my most controversial ranking but for some reason I watched a lot of pommel this year and started appreciating it so much more. Maybe they are going faster or their approach has changed but I’m all in. I know it’s arguably the weirdest of all the events and a holdover from a different era when more people needed to practice riding horses, just like Modern Pentathlon. But let’s all give Pommel Horse another chance.
Scissor Me Timbers
#2 – Vault
I went back and forth about the final two rankings. I love watching vault. The fact they are sprinting full speed at this large immovable object is just ridiculous to me. The reason it is not #1 is the fact that many athletes seem to be doing the same vaults and watching the competition gets a little repetitive. But when they stick the landing it’s amazing.
always #1 vault in my book
#1 – Floor
I feel like tumbling passes have become the biggest “how did they do that” moments from gymnastics. They are going higher, doing more twists, doing more turns, doing more flips. The women get to dance to music. The men get to take awkwardly large steps between locations on the mat as their transitions. It’s also the simplest of all the events, just a slightly bouncy floor, but they make it one of the most exciting.
I don’t even know how to count the flips, turns and twists in this
(I’m not sure if trampoline should be in these rankings as well or if that would be an insult to all the athletes above. Do you get relegated to trampoline if you aren’t good enough for artistic gymnastics? Get called into the coaches office, hear “have you ever thought about trampoline” and go quietly to clean out your locker.)
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